"Give a man a match, and he'll be warm for a minute, but set him on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life. "
"The real trouble with reality is that there's no background music. "
"Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car."
"Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some abuse the privilege. "
"War doesn't determine who's right. War determines who's left. "
"I once prayed to god for a bike, but quickly found out he didnt work that way...so I stole a bike and prayed for his forgiveness "
"Sarcasm helps keep you from telling people what you really think of them. "
"If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress?"
"If you think things can't get worse it's probably only because you lack sufficient imagination."
"A train station is where the train stops. A bus station is where the bus stops. On my desk, I have a work station... "
"My god carries a hammer. Your god died nailed to a tree. Any questions? "
"Parents spend the first part of our lives teaching us to walk and talk, and the rest of it telling us to sit down and shut up."
"You can't be late until you show up."
"Knowledge is realizing that the street is one-way, wisdom is looking both directions anyway"
"Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are good is like expecting the bull not to charge because you are a vegetarian."
"A single death is a tragedy; a million deaths is a statistic."
"The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources "
"Books have knowledge, knowledge is power, power corrupts, corruption is a crime, and crime doesn't pay..so if you keep reading, you'll go broke"
"A man likes his wife to be just clever enough to appreciate his cleverness, and just stupid enough to admire it."
"A clever man commits no minor blunders."
"How clever you are, my dear! You never mean a single word you say."
"I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying. "
"It's good to be clever, but not to show it."
"God is clever, but not dishonest."
"To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance. "
"Clever people master life; the wise illuminate it and create fresh difficulties. "
"To be clever enough to get all that money, one must be stupid enough to want it."
"Clever men are good, but they are not the best."
"Clever people will recognize and tolerate nothing but cleverness."